His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Only one, but the nurse has to tell the doctor which end to screw in first. Add it the comments, we would love to read it! Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. Causing a person or environment to become unclean. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force. 4. "We need a 4th for poker""I'll be right over" says the doctor. 94 Pins 5y M Collection by Mary Sedivy Similar ideas popular now Humor Funny Medical Humor I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. Husband: The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.Wife: And did he?Husband: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill., What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?Time to get your booster shot!, Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.Doctor: Didnt the new glasses help?Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.. Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. What do you call a joke that isn't funny? She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. Before exiting the room, she told him to take off all of his clothes put on a robe and wait for the doctor.Twenty minutes later, the doctor entered and asked him what he has.Shingles, the man replied.Where? asked the doctor.Outside in the truck, the man responded, Where do you want them?. Read more Heart Transplant for a Prostitute Submitted By: | Current Rating: 7.1 A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine? dirty. I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. Months? The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, 30 Of The Best It Doesnt Work Like That Tales Shared By Representatives Of Different Professions. How do you know your doctor is a vampire? Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. This kind of unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits. Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. No, thats not an epi-pen in my pants. Hey baby, wanna play with my corpus cavernosum? Coronavirus jokes are rapidly becoming a pun-demic. "You look drunk." 3. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". Why does miss piggy douche with honey? Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? "Man: "0Mg.". He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? Series: World Series of military baseball, Medical Staff: A doctor's cane A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? Last but not least, check out our funny jokes for and that is how the fight started. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Dissolvable relationships. I hung him there to dry. That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen. An experienced nurse doesnt wear a name badge for liability reasons. A woman goes into labor with her child. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.. ", A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting. "Doctor: "119". During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? 'Why do you feel that?' Do you know a good joke which isn't here. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine." NBC. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house, An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. I don't need to write it down." I think that it was probably a duck. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.Doctor: Sit down and dont stir.. See his answers: 1. Excuse me, are you osteoporosis? A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Masturbation always leads to sex. 6. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. So it's no surprise that this translates into some great humor in the professional field. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. I'm Jim. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Giving people toilet paper is no longer . I don't have a carbon footprint. An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Two doctors meet at the bar and decide to hook-up. Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%. Weirdly, I've been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow. If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Your arm is broke! I never could before!'. Let's hit the road ladies and gents: #1. Because you're making me drool. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. Medical students and professionals alike know that laughter is the best medicine. He's an idiot! SEO List Curator for Bored Panda. ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. He was a double-crosser. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. They were put in seperate examination rooms. The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? 2. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. It says, Doc, you gotta help me! "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." "Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible.Doctor: Well, tell him I cant see him right now., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.Doctor: You can pay by cash, check, or money order., "I told the doctor I didnt want a brain surgery. "Alright," says the vet. the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!, Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!, The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?. A new hybrid. "I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Medical Dirty Jokes. "Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug. . 74 apple jokes, puns and one liners! G.I. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. I'd love to strum your g-string. "I will look at him. "I have some good news and some bad news. Because you're making me drool. ''I see the problem. Want to have more fun? I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. "Is it serious?" Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! Patient:Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door! Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. Why did the turkey cross the road? If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. You sent me a bill for $1,000. 82.44 % / 2043 votes. Hes in a panic now. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. What type of bird gives the best head?
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